By U.S. News Staffer
He’s “obviously” going to save Earth from Covid-19.
“I honestly thought people would understand,” he explained to the perplexed shoppers
Elon Musk Kills Coronavirus...Soon
Elon Musk vouched for himself on Thursday, saying how he wanted to put the masses at ease after tweeting “The coronavirus panic is dumb.” He wasn’t clear, at the time, that he considers panicking over the virus “dumb” because he’s “obviously” going to save Earth from Covid-19. “I honestly thought people would understand,” he explained to the perplexed shoppers at L.A.’s South Liquor Bank after making a rare jaunt down the street from his L.A. SpaceX lab. “Worrying about coronavirus is dumb because I’m going to take care of it next week.”
After asking the owner to pass out a few rounds of “guinea pig,” a batch of his prototype Teslaquila, Musk went on to explain that he has been doing some backyard tinkering with Super Shrinking, and has nearly perfected the “implosion fabrication” technique developed at MIT. “The MIT guys really gave me a leg up,” he admitted. “They got me running with technology that shrinks things by 1000x, and it’ll only take them a decade or so to catch up to shrinking things by 100 million times. They’re not your everyday Science Muggles over there.”
Musk revealed his plan to finally put into use his much-maligned Thai Cave Submarine, an underwater pod that was ditched barely after its first dunking in a California swimming pool. “It was an ungrateful Brit who gave me the idea. He said I could ‘stick my submarine where it hurts,’ and that’s had me thinking ever since. Ironic, really, that I should be grateful to him for the idea, and he’ll be grateful when I become, well…Geriatric Jesus, you could say.” He giggled, humbly, and went on: “But it’s actually very simple in the end. I’ll enter the Wild Boar—that’s the sub’s name—I’ll enter the Wild Boar and we’ll turn Honey Ray—that’s the name of the “shrink ray,” as SciMugs would call it—we’ll turn Honey Ray on ourselves and go nano. After medical guy X injects me into coronavirus patient Y, I’ll use Honey Ray to shrink each and every virus cell. They’ll be too small to have any effect. Effectively, it’s zeptometer oblivion.”
“I’m not Elizabeth Warren. This is gonna work.”
Musk said he wants people to know that he cares. “There are times when I deserve to be misunderstood, but this time people are really misunderstanding me,” he lamented. “This isn’t an April Fool’s Day prank. I really do care about people, and I have to care about the world too. Mars isn’t ready yet.”
Asked why he would wait until next week to kill the virus, when some elderly people may be in mortal danger, he made sure that people kept a perspective on his newly delivered perspective. “I’m my own slave driver, but if I’m dead before we reach Mars, I can’t come back from that. Everyone needs their own punctuality.”
